Snape's Diary Oo
by Ellerella
Summary: This is a funny version of events in Snape's world. Haha!


December 12

Today the Potter boy and the orange boy stole one of my potions and put it in a big cauldron. Then they drank it. Then they put it over me and it was so heavy I was trapped and I couldn't get out. Dumbledore came in. I banged on the sides. He didn't hear me. The Orange Boy and the Potter Boy took over the rest of my remaining classes. I cried the whole time. Then they ransacked my room and office and possesions. They took a knife and a potion and cut off the top of my cauldron and poured the potion in. I turned into Dumbledore's Great Grandmother. I later found that I will not be turning into myself again. There is no possible cure. It is very akward being a woman. I thought of my mother. I cried.

December 22

Today I had to teach Potions again. Everyone laughed at my squeaky voice and my ugly face. I am very fat, too, and it is very hard to move around because I am so fat. I have pimples all over my face and I look like I have Spattergroit. I have whiskers and I have warts all over my arms and face. I look an awful lot like a rat. I thought of my old form and my mother. I cried.

September 25

Today I was given a new name. I am now Professor Ratdroppings. Every one of my pupils calls me that and laughs like there was never a funnier joke. Maybe there isn't. I wouldn't know. I wouldn't recodnize a joke if it danced naked in front of me wearing Dobby's tea cozy. But, let me tell you, I certainly look like rat's droppings, and by the looks of it, I smell like it, too, because everyone that comes into my classroom always wears a nose-plugger. And I was never informed why. I thought of all my misfortunes and Cried.

January 3

Today the Potter boy and the orange boy grabbed me and tied me up and took my wand. I found out that the orange boy's name is Ronald Weasley. Potter and Weasley tied me up, and I couldn't get away because I was too fat. Then they both took out bottles of shampoo and I screamed. I couldn't get away. It stung to look at the shampoo. They opened it and stuffed it under my nose and made me smell it. By then my screaming had attracted a large crowd full of students and teachers. They all hung around to watch. No one even make the most remote move to try and help me away from this torture. And then the crowd started chanting 'Wash her hair! Wash her hair!' and They said to me, 'All right, Professor Ratdroppings. Let's see how much it hurts to wash your hair, shall we? Hahahahahahahaha!' Then, Neville Longbottom came running in, squealing 'Who's using the Cruciatus Curse? Whoever it is, I'll tell, It's illegal! Stop!' Potter and Weasley turned and said 'It's all right, Neville. We're just washing Professor Ratdropping's hair. Nothing to worry about!' And he said he had better see that. They turned and poured the shampoo on my head. It burned and sizzled begause it had never made contact with hair so greasy. They rubbed all over my head. It was then I passed out. Everyone laughed.

January 21

Today, I got bothered by Potter and Weasley. I was taking an innocent stroll down a corridor on the sixth floor when they came. I heard Potter say, 'Hey, Ron, let's go bother Ratdroppings!' And Weasley said, 'Right-o!' And they ran down the hall yelling, 'Bother. Bother. Bother. Bother.' And they started pushing me and shoving me and poking me and bothering me until I finally lost conciousness.

January 31

Today I was in the bathtub and I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I was riding a hypogriff over the great castle of Hogwarts in a raging thunderstorm. I was riding and suddenly every gust of wind seemed to carry thier voices, 'Let's go bother Ratdroppings!' Every raindrop that splattered to the ground carried the word, 'Bother. Bother. Bother.' Every rumble of thunder struck the sound, 'Let's see how much it hurts to wash your hair.' Every bolt of lightning brought the malicous, cruel laughter of all the teachers and students as they watched me being tortured with shampoo. And, worst of all, the hypogriff was talking to me. But, instead of squawking at me, it spoke to me with Potter's Voice.

"Scared, Ratdroppings? Frightened?"

"No, I am not-"

"Oh, poor Ratdroppings, frightened of the little Potter boy? Need some shampoo to do you up? Yeah, that would help, wouldn't it, Radtroppings?"

"No-please-no shampoo-"

"Oh, but that's all I need to do you in, Snape, just one healthy dose of shampoo would probably help, would it not?"

"No-how dare you call me by my former name-remind me of my horrible past-no-"

"Ah, poor little baby Snape, scared of his own past..."

"No-NO-"

"I think it's time to do you in, Snape. Time to say goodbye to the one person who is scared at all times of being tortured by shampoo, time to say goodbye to the fat rat woman who thinks she stands a chance against wee little Potter, time to say goodbye to the person who smells like rat's droppings and looks like a troll with spattergroit. Goodbye, Snape. Soon Hogwarts will be a Snape-free zone, won't it. The students and staff will cheer me and declare me a hero when they find that I have gotten rid of you for them, Snape. I will glorify in your dispair. Say goodbye to your life, Snape. Goodbye forever."

"No-NO-PLEASE-NO-DON'T KILL ME-"

"But yes. It has to be this way. Goodbye, Snape."

And the hypogriff turned in the air, upside-down, and I plummeted, unable to hold on, and I was falling, falling into the depths below, I was choking, I couldn't breathe, It felt as though my nose and mouth were clogged with water-

And I woke up. I was half submerged in water, with cold sweat dripping down the part of my face that was above the water. I sat up and coughed. I realized that the reason I had been choking in my dream was because my nose and mouth were under the water. My skin was pruny from the water. I got out and wrapped a towel around myself and there was a knock on my door. Professor McGonnagal came in and asked if everything was all right and that I had been screaming 'no' over and over again and I was saying that I was going to die and begging someone not to kill me. I said everything was fine and that I wanted to go to bed. But I stayed up all night, because I was afraid of going to sleep and having another one of those fearful dreams.

February 14

Today I was teaching potions again. Potter and Weasley were in my class. When it was time to test thier antidotes to poison, we had to chose a person to poison and then to give the antidote and see if it worked. Potter stood up and said,

"Hey, everyone, I say we poison Ratdroppings. I've got the poison right here. Shampoo. I hope everyone cooked up something to stop it."

I was horrified. "You will do no such thing." I said to them. Potter waved his wand and ropes flew out of it and wrapped themselves around me. He took my wand.

"It's either that, or we wash your hair again." Potter said. He smirked.

"I say this should be fun, don't you, everyone?" Potter said to the class. The class cheered.

"Then let's give it to her!" The class cheered again. They marched toward me and Potter held out the spoon, full of creamy-orange shampoo. I clamped my mouth shut.

"Oh, c'mon. Be a good girl and drink the shampoo and no one gets hurt. You'll end up drinking in anyway. If you don't open your mouth now, I'll just wash your hair again and I'll stuff it in when you open your mouth screaming."

I was just about to say 'I will never drink that no matter what' But when I opened my mouth he stuffed the spoon into my mouth.

It sizzled and burned as it went down. I couldn't scream, my throat was burning too badly. I was twitching and jerking in pain. It was eating my insides. And then a large solid lump was shoved into my mouth and there was a moment of utmost pain and agony as it went down and then it stopped. My throat and mouth were instantly healed and I blacked out.

February 20-December 12

Today I stole a time turner from Hermoine Granger and I made it so I never turned into Dumbloedore's Great Grandmother. I still got tortured by shampoo, but I didn't feel it, which was good. I have to hide out in my room until it goes back to today, because the time turner doesn't go forward in time.

Janruary 3

Today I watched as I was tortured with shampoo through the peephole in my door. It was painful to watch-it made me feel as if I was still being tortured. The only problem is, that the course of time was changed my me going back and Dumbledore fired me today (my other self) because Potter told him that I used the Cruciatus Curse on him and all his classmates backed him up. I


End file.
